Of the Overall Lameness of Birds (not you, golden eagles!), CERT Training, Locked-Out G-Ma, and iPadding It Up

Hey y'all. Not much to report on today, despite it being a month and a half since I last posted. Alyssa and I have planted most of our garden--mostly the same stuff as last year, plus a new crop, tomatillos. We're going to try cucumbers again and hope for the best. And by "best," I mean, not having the plants vanish into thin air within six hours after planting, like they did last year. TWICE. Alyssa thinks birds are to blame. We're thinking of getting one of those scary owl sculptures that's supposed to scare them away. Yeah, you'd have to be pretty dumb to be scared by a plastic garden ornament that doesn't make any sound or, you know, move. Then again, birds aren't really all that bright. But they sing pretty. When you think about it, they're like the Jessica Simpsons of the animal kingdom.

Alyssa and I finished our CERT (Community Emergency Response Team) training a few weeks ago. The way most of the classes went, we would get "instruction" on emergency response techniques from three members of the fire department, and when I say instruction, I mean about an hour and a half of jokes about murdering their mother-in-laws, plus dinner (which a few preselected members of the class would provide). I think there might have been some important emergency-related information in there too. The classes in which we did actual hands-on stuff were generally a lot more helpful, like the one where I got to wrap bandages around Alyssa's head and make the hottest dang mummy you ever did see. We also put out fires, sprayed a fire hose (although Alyssa was disappointed because she was hoping it would lift her off the ground and swing her around in the air, Mr. Burns-style), searched darkened rooms for injured victims, and used "cribbing" techniques to lift rubble off a mannequin. Good times, my friend, good times.

Saturday we took Alyssa's grandma out to dinner at a Chicago-style deep-dish pizza joint, and when we got back to her house the garage door opener wouldn't work, and of course she didn't have a key to the front door (why should she, when she can just use the garage door opener?). So the neighbors came over and messed with the opener for a while, and when that didn't work they ended up calling a locksmith, and he ended up getting the front door open, but it set poor G-Ma back a whoppin' 200 smackers. Yeah. "Ouch" doesn't begin to cut it there, folks.

I got an iPad a few weeks ago. My work pretty much paid for everyone to get one. Now, in the blink of an eye, I've become the "cool" uncle at family functions just because I own a handheld device with "Fruit Ninja" on it. Take that, Tyson! Plus, I think my dad's really jealous. First the Lincoln Continental and now this. He should just move in with us.

Alyssa all "80s"-ed up. Isn't she dreamy? It's like Cyndi Lauper turned Japanese and...um...hot. I told her I wished she could look like that every day. Oh, and then there's McKell.